Rock bottom

Saturday, I had had enough. I was dealing with clogged ducts on one of my breasts, and the other was still not healed enough to nurse on. I felt like I would never heal enough to breastfeed, and that I was missing out on vital time with Ruary because I was always pumping and that my breasts hurt so much that I couldn't pick him up. So I called my lactation specialist in tears (sobbing, more like it) to say that I wanted to stop trying to breastfeed. She was supportive, saying that some women just have challenging breasts and it doesn't work well, and that time with my baby was more important. So I started the process of stopping.

That afternoon, I had a change of heart. I felt like I was killing something inside of me by stopping, and I decided to declare war on my uncooperative breasts and that I was going to spend as much time with my baby regardless of pain or pumping, and that I wanted to make this work. I really felt like I was experiencing a loss by saying that I wanted to stop, and it felt like I was going against all of my maternal instincts (which everyone insists is something not to ignore). I just want the very best for Ruary, and I hate the smell of formula and the effect it has on his poo, so I'm going to give it another go. I haven't called my lactation specialist back, I'm afraid she is going to think I am crazy.

I need help from everyone... please send me your good thoughts, prayers, energy, anything that might help. This has to work.